Smart Mouths Podcast

May 23rd doesn’t get enough press. At least, not for the right reasons. Most people know it as the day Napoleon was crowned King of Italy, or the start of the Mexican-American war, or the day Nazi Nutbag Heinrich Himmler committed suicide, or perhaps as International World Turtle Day.

Consequently, too few people grasp its true significance. Too few people understand the magnitude of this date, the utter cosmic totality of its passing. For on this day 21 years ago, evolution reached its pinnacle. All that ever was, from the Big Bang to now, culminated in the birth of Andrew Sims.

I speak for everyone when I say that, without Andrew, none of us would be here with you today. Well fine, maybe – maybe – we would still exist as people, but not as the insanely awe-inspiring podcasters you know us as. It was his vision and talent that started all of these (somewhat disturbing) shows, from MuggleCast to SmartMouths, so the next time we mortally offend your every mature sensibility you can go ahead and thank him.

No seriously. Don’t look at us.

We, as a group, as a dynamic, would not exist without him. Not only because it was his passion for broadcasting and entertainment that initiated this entire shitstorm, but because he believed in the rest of us. He made a name for himself early on, and had his pick of people to share the limelight with. He’s visited movie sets, interviewed New York Times Best-Selling authors, sat down at tables with Hollywood producers and devised History-Making book discussions. He could have shared that with anybody, could have chosen to do his show(s) with anyone. But he chose us. He believed in us. He showed us the ropes, exhibited Saintlike patience throughout, and most impressively, befriended us along the way. He is one of the truest friends in recorded history – I mean seriously, it’s a little fucking sickeningly sweet sometimes – and defines what it is to be fiercely loyal, understanding, and genuine.

When I first met him, five years ago this summer, my first thought was… okay, truthfully it was “how do I tap that?” But then it was, “he’s just so grotesquely easy to like!” And to some degree, to those who know him best, that sums him up perfectly: He’s just one of those people that could run over your cat and you’d invite him in for tea and scones. Maybe that makes him a wizard. But I like to believe that’s just the charisma, the open charm and easy humor he so naturally displays, both professionally and personally. Many of us owe some of our best experiences and memories to his unabashed willingness to selflessly share his own. So much of what we get to do is because of him, and so much of what we know about friendship is due to him.

But above all, even greater than any of those things combined, is his penchant for school hallway pants-shitting. I mean let’s be honest, that’s the real reason we like him.

Happy birthday Andrew, you scintillating piece of man meat! We love you!

HOLY HELLBASKET, John Green is on Smart Mouths?! Hath hell frozen over? Does Penny love Oprah? Does Elysa hate Glambert? Because this is some earth-shattering, paradigm-shifting, apocalyptic stuff. I repeat: John Green – THE John Green, a legit author, viral phenomenon extraordinaire – is on the show this week to discuss his book Will Grayson, Will Grayson.

Wait – this doesn’t mean we’re earning credibility, does it? No? Okay good.

• We open the book discussion with a few standard questions – the only time in this interview where we aren’t actively making asses of ourselves.
  
• Discussion of the Epic as Hell (minus the fire-and-brimstone) novel is very thematic, with particular focus on the interconnectedness of truth and love.
  
• Penny pays Elysa the most profound compliment of her life. And that includes the time Matt called her his ho.
  
• Also: How can we be fabulous? John answers with his usual Jedi-like wisdom and wit.
  
• Last Words with John Green: A new game in which we guess what celebrities’ last words will be. Up on the pyre: Bill Clinton, Lady Gaga, Barney the Dinosaur… yeah, we go there.
  

For the whole three people out there who haven’t heard of John the Wise and/or read his novels, check him out. You won’t be disappointed, unless you’ve got a pet peeve against killer writing skillz. His website is http://www.sparksflyup.com/, his awesome youtube is http://www.youtube.com/vlogbrothers and he’s @realjohngreen over on Twitter.

And in special thanks to John for making an appearance on our (let’s be honest) less-than-inspiring production, we’re asking our listeners to donate to his charity of choice: The American Red Cross Nashville Relief Fund . For our part, we’ve already donated $200 – a figure John has graciously offered to match – so let’s play a philanthropic game of Follow the Leader, shall we? Donate Here. Come on now. Don’t be a bitchsqueeler.

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Gregory the Great: Technerd. Drunkard. Jew extraordinaire. He has taught us the Philosophy of Chuck Norris, the value of liquoring up before making thinly-disguised lewd phone calls, and how best to succinctly and effectively offend every country that ever was. In the School of Awesome, he is our Jedi Master.

And today he is another year older, another year wiser, perhaps another year closer to realizing we’re all just using him for his sex. Sad.

Thank you, Greg, for supporting our crazy, for making us laugh, for being the closest thing to a sane person we have on this unholy show— which is, granted, much like being the smartest kid on the short bus, but nevertheless we couldn’t do this without you, and Allah help us if we’re ever forced to try.

Happy birthday, dear! We love you!

That’s riiiight! Our favorite WTF News anchor turns 27 today! Micah’s been winning over our hearts with his subtle wit and uncanny knack for finding the most bizarre news stories since the show’s first episode, and we simply don’t know what the fuck we’d do without him.

So thank you, Micah, for being such a true friend – both to the show and to us – and for sending off every Smart Mouths episode in style. We love ya!