Smart Mouths Podcast

Walt Disney was a depraved bastard. We all know this. He was a sick, racist, rodent-besotted freak, but for our purposes today he’s just a liar. A liar by omission. So let us cleanse his sins, one transgression at a time.

The truth: Mary Poppins isn’t an original character. In point of fact, that’s just Penny’s pseudonym, and Disney stole her story (along with my childhood) for the purposes of profit. That ridiculous fucking hat Poppins is always wearing? Hiding the yamika. And don’t tell me yamikas are for Jewish men only. That’s just sexist.

So the truth has been revealed, and you heard it here first: Penny is Mary Poppins. Much in the same way Mickey Mouse is Lucifer except moderately less homicidal. Moderately.

But I tell you this today, on the grand anniversary of P-Money’s triumphant appearance on the world stage, because it explains so much about her character and us. For if Penny is Mary Poppins, then we are the motherless delinquents she struggles so desperately to keep in line. And let’s face it. If you were charged with rehabilitating a slew of prurient and sexually-deviant children you would be a little unhinged yourself. (Yeah, FYI. That seemingly innocent flying umbrella doubles as a cane, and not the kind you walk with.)

Beyond this, however, the hidden identity also goes a long way to explaining Penny’s special brand of patience. I stipulate “special brand” because it isn’t the lackluster type of patience that allows someone to wait in long lines at theme parks. Rather it’s the type of patience that allows someone to survive the nefarious dynamics of several young adults who think “maturity” goes hand-in-hand with “hippogriff,” insofar as they’re both mythical concepts.

She is the cornerstone of this group and this show. We may still be here without her, but it would be as formless shapes and fallen bridges, because Penny is the mortar that holds everything and everyone together. This kind of sensibility and talent would be impressive enough, but what really makes her our very own Mary Poppins is the degree of good humor and charm with which she manages it. When faced with trouble, she meets it head-on, and with a smile that makes onlookers believe she could take on the world if she so chose. She’s a dependable ear, a shoulder to cry on when you weren’t even aware you needed one, and possesses the sort of personality misguided tweens everywhere could learn a lot from.

She laughs at us a lot, which makes her a bit of a bitch, but she laughs at herself even more, which makes her a bit of an anomaly. She is unmatched in kind tolerance and has more good grace in her pinky finger than the rest of us do combined. Most of us have known her for scarcely more than a year, yet all of us feel we’ve known her our whole lives. She just has some magical ability to make you feel comfortable, accepted, cared for to the point of pampering, even if you’ve known her only a short time.

The fact that she embodies all these things, but can also be fun and funny and amiable, speaks to that Disney-like quality I mentioned in the beginning. Not the part of Disney that was a mad lunatic who destroyed childhoods with his demonic playthings. But rather the part that made us all believe, despite the better part of practical judgment, that with just a little bit of sugar and the right show-tune, even the darkest of days would pass. With her charming and thoughtful nature, that is what Penny does for us. Even if she doesn’t know it.

Happy birthday, mi amor! May today be full of mirth and booze. Though mostly just the latter.

Today, we celebrate the birth of the legendary anchorman, Micah Tannenbaum. Born in the year of our lord, (19XX) Micah has always been an invaluable member of our podcasting team. From our days of dabbling in satanic witchcraft to these current days of dabbling in being assholes, he has always been there to tell it like it is and “give it to us”.

Unfortunately for poor Micah, he is oftentimes subjected to the poor manners and vulgar exploits of his fellow co-hosts. He has been kind enough all these years to shake his head rather than giving us all the “FUCK YOU” we so richly deserve.

On behalf of Smart Mouths, I would like to wish Mr. Tannenbaum a HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY! I’m sure our listeners agree when I say this show would not be the same without the tales of Darwin award winners, genitalia and the occasional farm animal getting caught up with the wrong crowd.

Now, bitches, leave your appreciation in the comments below.

This is a test of the SM Twitter system…please do not harm yourselves or others during this period!

As we’ve mentioned, Smart Mouths turned 1 this week! We can’t believe we’ve been around for a year already. We wish we could say we’ve matured over the year but as evidenced by this episode, we’re just as crude, immature and crass as ever. YOU’RE WELCOME.

In this episode:

-ALL of the hosts make an appearance. That means that the new Costa Rican President, Laura is here too! (also, please note that the internet is pretty spotty in Costa Rica and our sound quality is significantly decreased when Laura is on. But it was worth it to have her join us!!)
-Super Bowl review. One of our hosts got a special shout out from the winning QB!
-Sarah Palin strikes again and we have to ask…really, Sarah?
-We talk rumors that Howard Stern might join American Idol. Good idea?
-New fun segment invented by Matt. Let’s just say this one is EPIC. You’ll love it. Trust us.
-We read your tweets about your favorite SM memories of the past year!
-During backwash we discuss the Boy Scout’s 100 Year Anniversary, The one year anniversary of Black Saturday in Australia and renting seniors.
-WTF news addresses some of the world’s stupidist people and grossest things.

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It is hard to believe it has been one year since the dream of one Costa Rican Lolita took its first step towards becoming a reality. On February 10, 2009, Smart Mouths released its pilot episode completely uncertain of the successes, if any, it would enjoy. We’ve can’t even begin to tell you what it has meant to insult so many of you over the last 48 episodes. We hope to continue these efforts as we move forward.

None of this would be possible with out you, our listeners and for that we are so very thankful. Well, not really, but it’s in my contract to include at least one kind , semi-genuine statement per post.

One of the reasons we have enjoyed so much success is because of the celebrities that have chosen to appear from time to time on our show. We have been blessed by Jesus Christ to have such guests as Mickey Mouse and Elmo and to have had Allah’s light shined upon us when joined by President Barack Obama.

I would be remiss not to thank a few others. Our show would not be what it is today without those who have put in countless hours and effort: Captain Save-A-Ho, Ninio The Gay Elephant, Sarah Palin, Eric Cartman, Michael Jackson and Tom.

In all seriousness, thank you to all our listeners (unless you’re Canadian). We hope to be as informative and inappropriate in the coming year as we have been up to this point!

Sincerely,

The Coalition For Asian American Children and Families

Episode 44 is OUT! Join Andrew, Elysa, Greg, Micah and Penny for this latest edition of your favorite general news, entertainment and wacky and wild stuff podcast!

In this week’s show:

- Idiot of the Week #1 goes to Gilbert Arenas, who is Idiot #2?
- We’ve solved the mystery behind the Apple store heists!  It’s Andrew!
- Jay Leno vs. Conan O’Brien: who should be king of late night?
- Should the TSA take a page out of the Israeli airline security manual?
- Plus, do Dutch computers need a simple spell check?  We’ll explain.
- A volcano has erupted in Costa Rica in preparation for Laura’s arrival and we analyze what this may mean for the future safety of the human race.
- Backwash: full body scans, Penny’s problem with women and our selection of rock bands through the decades!
- Creedence Clearwater Survival?
- Two Truths, One Lie returns
- WTF News includes: cheating Britons, meat massagers, cats reporting for jury duty and more

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REMEMBER: You can pre-order your Smart Mouths T-shirt No matter WHERE you live on this fine Earth until January 30, 2010!!

Also, because I’ve gotten a bunch of requests for it, the name of the podcast I recommended is CriticalMassCast. Enjoy listening!

Congrats to Krystal S. who has won our Smart Mouths T-Shirt Contest! Our poll closed late last night and her submission of Adam Lambert picked up 40% of the vote with Michelle Obama coming in a close second with 36% of the vote. Stephen Colbert and Michael Moore rounded out the top 4, respectively.

Thanks to the close to 1,000 of you who voted! You can check out the top 4 submissions right here! We will be posting all other submissions in the coming days.

Krystal, Christopher M. (Michelle Obama & Michael Moore) and Anthony W. (Stephen Colbert) please e-mail us your addresses (smartmouthspodcast@gmail.com) so we can send you your respective prizes!

All of the entries have been submitted and its time to vote on the top 4 finalists in our Smart Mouths t-shirt competition!  Just head on over to this page to view the top selections! Then vote in the poll on the right-hand side of the website. (It’s right under the About Us blurb).

First prize wins a Smart Mouths t-shirt and the runners-up will get signed album art. Voting will run through next Sunday, January 3.

Thanks to everyone who entered! We will be showcasing all of your work on the website in the coming weeks!

Today is a very special day. One half of our famous Political Bitches team is turning 21 today! Where would Smart Mouths be today without Laura? Probably not in existence since she pulled us all together and got our butts in gear to start our great show!

If I’m the matriarch of the show, Laura is definitely the wise aunt. She is the person we ALL turn to when we need advice, ideas or suggestions. While she may be woefully inadequate at pop culture knowledge (minus Green Day and Dexter), she helps to whip us in to shape with political and world news items. Her vast knowledge on the goings on in random countries throughout the world, as well as her wonderfully liberal nature have been such important aspects to Smart Mouths that we don’t know what we’d do without her!

So, now allow us to wish a VERY Happy 21st Birthday to Laura Thompson. She is an incredible friend to each of us and we truly love her. If I may add a personal note…Laura, you are 21 now. That means you can start drinking. If you need ANY advice on alcohol, you can come to me. I know a lot more than you do about getting drunk, so I can be your mentor. mm.